9.30.2008' Tuesday, September 30, 2008
had art paper today. met up with vivian, nicholas and han tong at mac at 7. chiong whatever i need to chiong and off to school. headed to library to find valerie and melissa after paper. 1 more paper down, 2 more to go. saw christine, cheryl and their friends at library . homed at around 5.
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i just don't get it, isn't teacher/s suppose to protect student/s of their privacy regulardless of what they had done? i don't mind you saying out my case about what i had done as a warning or to remind your students to be more careful but saying out my name is seriously against my privacy. this is my probelm, whether i want to tell people or not, it's my choice. you don't have to 'help' me tell everybody in your class that i accidently done something that was not suppose to happen and even say out my name. put yourself in my shoes, if you had done something wrong, then i told everybody about what you had done, do you like it? what i mean is, im ok with it if you didn't say out my name, get it? even if i did blog about it, i also didn't say out what i did. afterall, my blog is like an online diary to me. i post my emotions and daily happenings in it. i need to vent out my sadness and angers too. with that, i seriously thank you alot. if you think that im at fault and should not have any privacy, then im sorry, somethings will be done to stop this. or why don't you tell everyone what actually happened and say out my big beautiful name? so that the whole school will know who is the person whom had done this. i shall not pursue this matter since everybody in your class is protecting you by not saying out who you are. i know i had done something i should not have just because im not carefull. but i've know my mistake too. don't i get the chance to gain any support or believe from people? aunties? haha!
9.29.2008' Monday, September 29, 2008
had 3 papers today. chemistry, biology and maths paper 1. brain totally shut down after maths paper. i've killed alot brain cells today. met up with vivian and han tong at mac for some last minute revision in the morning. nicholas joined after that. art paper tomorrow. hopefully i can finish drawing my things by 11pm. cheryl's birthday celebration will be up tomorrow! more pictures coming up.
9.27.2008' Saturday, September 27, 2008
i've open up my mind. whatever the outcome will be, i'll accept it. if it's a bad one, i'll try all my might to accept it. afterall, they're the one who have the last say. the winner takes it all. so what can i do? it'll really be best if miracle happens because nobody wants to get retain. this is also part of my mistake. for that, i admit and i hate myself for that already. if the bad really happens, what i can't let go is i really didn't do anything. i dun think i deserve this at all. im innocent. whatever, they said that the notes is the evidence. the winner takes it all, the loser standing small. get the picture? im the loser, they're the winner. whatever they say, i'll have to abide to them like a small puppy. whatever. nobody will even notice me if i really leave. can i be stubborn and behave like a spoilt child at this time?
9.26.2008' Friday, September 26, 2008
19th september
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRISTINE AND JESSLYN!!
had a mini birthday celebration for christine the day before. was suppose to have a celebration for jesslyn too but she wasn't at home.
20th september
went singing with christine and cheryl together with their secondary school friends. had steamboat for dinner.
I WANT BAND PRACTICE!! anyway, changed my blog song to Abba-The Winner Takes It All. enjoy! it's nice!! go watch mama mia if you have watch too!! IT'S NICE!!!
9.25.2008' Thursday, September 25, 2008
IM A HAPPY GIRL!! thanks vivian for the bouquet of flowers. you really surprised me. it must have cost you a bomb. thanks alot bitch!! thanks alot to people who have cared and cheered me up especially my parents. thanks weilun and cousin for sending messages to cheer me up. thanks felicia and gang for not mentioning anything although i guess you girls might have know. thanks melissa yam( she wants her name up here, so i've got no choice but to put it up) for posting a message for me in her blog. thanks valerie for cheering me up too! thanks people who have tagged my blog to cheer me up too.thanks melissa tang for accompanying me there yesterday and trying to help me find ways! thanks people who have sent me message too! im not trying to be hao lian by posting up all the names here, i just want to be more specific. people, dun worry. im getting better.=)
today
was woken up by valerie's phone call. i guess i scared the girls with my puffy and swollen eyes? off to felicia's house for her mum's pizza. lols! headed to JE library for some studying with vivian, valerie and han tong. ate subway for dinner with mum. bought a watch and homed.
pics taken a few days ago.
i must admit that i've never been so shagged before. this blow seriously made me grow up more and realise that there's so many people caring for me. i cried myself to sleep thinking of all the outcomes i'll have to face. all my what ifs had came true. passing down my post, not being able to lead the band for syf, leaving the band, not having prom night with my fellow classmates and school mates, leaving my friends, leaving this school, leaving all the wonderful memories i'd had in my sec school days have all came true. the goals that i've set long ago is already of no use. i want to take it off, but im afraid that this would make my parents worry more as this shows that im giving up. looking at my goals everytime i practise my clarinet just makes me feel so sour inside. like what dad said, things have already happened. locking myself up in the room and cry all i want is not going to help me. looking for solutions to solve this problem will then help me. through this, i've know that who really cares for me. true friends really help you when you need help. especially when you're feeling hopeless, they're there to give you a helping hand, support and cheer you up. life is full of ups and downs. being happy is one day, being sad is also one day. why not make my day happier? just give me a few more days to fully recover.
9.24.2008' Wednesday, September 24, 2008
im tired of everything that's going around me now. i had a hard time controling my tears, my emotionals. i want to be the way i am like how i used to be, but this blow is just too huge for me to handle. i broke down after i reached home when my parents and bro keep asking me what happened. they are not my parents or my whoever. they dunno the whole thing and there's no way for them to believe me no matter how hard i tried. i've tried to think the positive side, but nothing good come out. dad told me that this is just only a small matter, but it's huge for me. if i have to continue my studies as a private candidate, my parents will have to work extra hard in order to pay for my school fees. i don't want to be a burden as i'll already bothered them for the past 16 years. i blamed myself for everything. i hate my carelessness. if im more careful, things would not have happened. i wont get myself into this kind of troubles, i won't have to make my kins/friends worry. i do believe in miracle. but will it happen to me? all the swearings and promises won't help. i just want to move on to sec 5, can i? nope, you can't. that's the ans. yes, it is! im not trying to act emo or whatever. but put yourself in my shoes, will you feel the same as me?
9.22.2008' Monday, September 22, 2008
ok, i got fed up trying to post up the pics i've got in my hp during christine's birthday party. will try to post all the pics asap when chris send me.
didnt attend school becuase i didn't sleep well yesterday. i kept waking up 1h later after i fall asleep and i need around half an hour to fall back asleep. meet up with valerie for some study. joined melissa and her bf because we can't find any tables for us to sit. i was trying to do my maths but that melissa and valerie just keep on making me laugh and distract me with those dirty talkings like meanders, oxbow lake, rivers, drain..(inside joke)
i guess everyone should have seen the scott's tissue paper advertisement with ivy lai and her daughter.this is what melissa told me:
melissa: what is this? a lan jiao face!
laughed like fuck after she told me. going back to school tomorrow to take a letter. i guess it's from the exam branch, asking me to go down for some investigation. that's just what i think. volleyball session tomorrow!! time to shed some fats and exercise.
i miss band. i want to play concerto d'amore, queens park, jericho, flight of valour, abram's pursuit, noah's ark, the hustle and my Eb! i haven't been touching it since the last day of band. ( i swear to work damn bloody hard if i can move on to sec 5. practising 1.30hr everyday, becoming a better person.)
9.20.2008' Saturday, September 20, 2008
attended school for 3 days out of 5 days and it was all about volleyball, leaving early, studying in the library, bullying of eachother, doing some self revisions in school. going to school is kind of boring now. only less than 1/4 of the class turns up everyday. teachers are not teaching anymore and they'll just ask us to do some self revision for their period.off to meet pri school friends for our birthday girl's birthday celebration! stay tune for more pics.
9.17.2008' Wednesday, September 17, 2008
nabei fucking chao ni mama chee bye! i'm damn fucking pissed off with my usb wire and internet. if i got the money, i'd buy an imac and dump you this old fucking useless computer which always give me problems away and let you be recycled. if my previous comp did not kanna some kind of fucking idiot cannot be reformated vires, i wouldn't have thrown it away. i used to have photoshop, tons of pictures, very fast internet speed and i can see chinese characters. now? i dun have photoshop, i cannot have too many pics cause my whole comp will lag, my internet speed is damn fucking slow and i can't read chinese characters. and sometimes, i cant even go to a blog because it's either too lag or i have to download some files but i always cannot enter the blog even though i've downloaded it. i need to wait for 20 pussy minutes inorder for the page to finish loading. usb wire, i have to upload my art pics and send to valerie before 8 but my comp can detect it but i dunno why song ericsson's dunno what shit cannot sense it. ^!@#$^&
9.16.2008' Tuesday, September 16, 2008
go back school just for geog lesson. asked vivian to da bao mac $2 meal back for us. left school at 11.30 and off to jp with melissa and valerie. melissa went off to find her bf and i accompanied val to buy her lunch. met up with mum after that to pay some bills and homed.
9.15.2008' Monday, September 15, 2008
slack at home the whole day. have been craving for subway these few days but there's always somethings stopping me from having it. first, my mum said that there's no student price on weekends so cannot buy. wanted to have it today but my grandma asked my mum out to have lunch and my mum wants me to see them eat and have my subway later. for a glutton like me, of course i wont sit there and see them eat. anyway, on last fri's practice, mr tan brought the clarinet brochure to band and im so tempted to buy the festival clarinet. it's so fucking pretty can?! if i didn't see wrongly, there's alternate Eb or Ab fingering but the price is almost twice as the buffet clarinet i want. $6000+ !! i dunno how long i have to save or work to have that much money. plus i've already sort out some of my thinkings. i will still continue to play clarinet even if i've graduated. most likely joining outside band. so having a clarinet of my own is kind of a must thingy for me. we shall see how things go cause my mum dun allow me to find any job out of desperate. she wants me to work in the office because she finds other jobs suitable for people who only have psle certificate. what's wrong with working as those selling bubble tea girls or sales girl selling shoe? we're all humans and we need to work to provide for ourself. some university graduates even have to work as a cleaner because they cannot find any jobs.
9.14.2008' Sunday, September 14, 2008
friday
reached school at around 8.30. done abit of maths questions and some chem then off for recess. ate damn slow as there's alot of time and there isn't any lessons after that. camwhored for 1 hour plus as that's the only way we can think of for time to pass quickly. met jiaojun outside staffroom to collect bandroom key. then went back staffroom to bring all the boxes of mineral water back to band room. i got aches the next day. maybe having concert next year!! i've been waiting so long for mdm khaw to say this. and marching is gonna start soon!!
i dunno what's up with my that fuck face.
they say that this pose suits me best cause im always dao.lastly, bye.
yesterday
went haji lane with vivian. before that, met up with primary school friends for some study before meeting vivian. too bad, mr brownie didn't work there already.
there are alot what ifs going through my mind.
what if i got retain?
what if i cannot take my exams for 3 years, what'd i do?
what if i have to quit school?
what if i cant go for syf next year?
what if i have to give up my post?
what if i cant lead the band like what i also think?
what if..
i just cant stop thinking of the incident every morning when i wake up. people have been telling me not to think so much. but things dosen't happen to you, so you dunno how i feel, what im thinking. please, just stop asking me not to think too much. i'll only stop thinking when i got back my results.